RIFFS is The Ink’s series of satirical posts. Check out others in the series here, here, and here.
Are you struggling with sudden bursts of nostalgia for the Third Reich? Have you found yourself innocently stepping over a puddle and, inadvertently, it becomes a goose step? Do you sometimes scream “The Jews!” when you can’t find your keys?
If so, you might have a condition called Nazi Streak.
Introducing FuhrerFree™, the once-daily tablet that soothes your inner fascist.
FuhrerFree™ is the first and only prescription treatment for Nazi Streak.
It works by gently restoring oxygen to the parts of the brain responsible for empathy, historical memory, and not being an asshole.
It’s time to stop hating people you don’t even know and start being employable again. Ask your doctor if FuhrerFree™ is right for you.
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Side effects may include normal-person guilt, heightened self-awareness, nausea, insomnia thinking about what you have allowed yourself to become, chest pain, and, in rare cases, genuine concern for the welfare of others.
You may also experience flashes of respect for liberal democracy, remorse for your racism, a sudden urge to apologize like you’re British, and brief episodes of historical accuracy.
More serious reactions can include wanting to watch Schindler’s List to get your heart right, and blackouts where you unconsciously apologize to people of color for “being like this.”
Stop taking FuhrerFree™ immediately if you start quoting Goebbels, despite having no idea who he is, or asking people to show you their papers.
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FuhrerFree™ — because even one Nazi streak is one too many. Call your doctor and take the first goose step to a better future today.
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