RIFFS: Trump fills out a juror questionnaire
Have I been married? You’re asking me if I’ve been married?
As jury selection proceeds in the trial of former President Donald Trump in a Manhattan courthouse, the questions being asked of prospective jurors were released. Below, an Ink world exclusive: Trump’s own answers to the juror questionnaire. The Supreme Court has yet to rule on whether a former president can serve as a juror in a case in which he is also the defendant.
Prospective juror name: Donald J. Trump
Case: The people v. Donald J. Trump
1. Without telling us your address, in what neighborhood do you live? For example, Upper East Side, Lower East Side, Inwood, etc. How long have you lived there? Are you a native New Yorker?
Mar-a-Lago. The name, I’m told, is Russian for “Great Golf Swing.” I lived in New York a long time until I realized that 95 percent of people there want me dead.
2. What do you do for a living? How long have you been doing that?
I am the current legitimate president of the United States, but I work part-time as a criminal defendant.
3. Who is your current employer?
In the deep recesses of my tortured mind, probably my father.
4. What is your educational background? For example, high school diploma, college degree, graduate degree, etc.
I have eight Ph.D.s from the Wharton School of Business.
5. Are you married? Have you ever been married? Do you have children?
Have I been married? You’re asking me if I’ve been married?
6. If you are married, or living with another adult, what does that person do for a living? If you have adult children, what do they do?
I’m married to a former illegal immigrant. It’s how I became aware of the problems with allowing illegal immigrants into the country.
7. What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you have any interests or hobbies?
I like to fill the time with physical sports like social media. Or golf. I find that if I keep myself active and occupied, my mind doesn’t roam into territory like the giant gaping moral void that has been my entire adult existence.
8. Do you participate in any organizations or advocacy groups? Which ones?
I am active in the Republican Party the way a leech is active on an arm.
9. Have you ever served on a jury before?
I can’t remember. But unless the position was paid, I probably wouldn’t have done it.
10. Which of the following print publications, cable and/or network programs, or online media such as websites, blogs, or social media platforms do you visit, read, or watch?
I have never been credibly accused of reading.
11. Do you listen to or watch podcasts?
Who is this Pod Cast guy? Did he say something about me?
12. Do you listen to talk radio?
Does living with Melania count?
13. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever been the victim of a crime? If so, please briefly tell us what happened.
Oh, I don’t know, a stolen election, maybe? Yes, I have been the victim of a crime. Also, fake news. The media is a crime against me!
14. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever been employed by a law enforcement agency? For example, the police, FBI, District Attorney’s Office, Department of Correction, Etc.
I am currently the commander-in-chief, in my own mind, so, yeah.
15. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever been employed by a federal, state, or any local government, including but not limited to the State of New York?
See above.
16. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever been employed in the accounting or finance field?
My friend Allen Weisselberg was, but I haven’t been able to reach him in recent days. He might have gotten a new phone number. Hope you’re doing OK if you see this, Allen! All the best!
17. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever had any education, training, or work experience in the legal field, including but not limited to practicing criminal or civil law?
Although I studied business, the last couple years have given me what I call “a second education” in the field of criminal justice.
18. Have you, a relative, or a close friend had any experience or interaction with the criminal justice system, including a police officer or other type of law enforcement agent, which caused you to form an opinion, whether positive or negative, about the police or our criminal justice system?
Kim Kardashian’s views on the criminal justice system had a big impact on me. Great girl. Too bad about her and Kanye. Very nice guy. Living proof that the Blacks love me.
19. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever been accused or convicted of committing a crime?
Uhhhhhhhh….
20. Do you, a relative, or a close friend have a pending criminal case?
Uhhhhhhhh….
21. Do you have any political, moral, intellectual or religious beliefs or opinions which might prevent you from following the Court’s instructions on the law or which might slant your approach to this case?
Apart from my devotion to Corinthians 2.0, no.
22. Do you have a health condition that might interfere with your ability to be here on the appointed days and times or otherwise prevent you from serving as a juror?
I am closer to dying than most people realize. If you think I look terrible on the outside, you should see my insides.
23. Without telling us the name(s), do you take any medication that would prevent you from being able to concentrate or pay attention during the proceedings or during the deliberations?
No, but I do take medicines that could make able to concentrate if I raised the dosage.
24. Court proceedings normally end around 4:30 in the afternoon though on rare occasions, we might work beyond that. Would your schedule and responsibilities permit you to work later if it were absolutely necessary to complete that day’s work?
I am usually in bed by then. Could we break by 2:30 p.m.?
25. Do you practice a religion that would prevent you from sitting as a juror on any particular weekday or weeknight?
Yes, whichever religion has Corinthians 2.0 in it. Name escapes me. The abortion-banning one. Christina! Cristiano. Ronaldo Cristiano! Sorry, Christianity!
26. Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against a person who may appear in this trial, on account of that person’s race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, gender identity or expression, religion, religious practice, age, disability, sexual orientation or political views?
I’m really the wrong guy for this one.
27. Can you promise to guard against allowing stereotypes or attitudes about individuals or about groups of people, referred to as an implicit bias, influence your decision?
No.
28. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever worked for any Company or organization that is owned or run by Donald Trump or anyone in his family?
Put it this way: have any of my relatives or friends NOT worked for my company?
29. Have you, a relative, or a close friend ever worked or volunteered for a Trump presidential campaign, the Trump presidential administration, or any other political entity affiliated with Mr. Trump?
“Worked” is a strong word.
30. Have you ever considered yourself a supporter of or belonged to any of the following: (the QAnon movement, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, Three Percenters, Boogaloo Boys, Antifa)
“Any”? Try “all.”
31. Do you have any strong opinions or firmly held beliefs about whether a former president may be criminally charged in state court?
Depends which former president. Biden is doing crimes so bad that they are invisible. You literally can’t even see any evidence of them.
32. Do you have any feelings or opinions about how Mr. Trump is being treated in this case?
Yes on opinions, no on feelings, which I sadly lost touch with around the early 1970s.
33. Can you give us your assurance that you will decide this case solely on the evidence you see and hear in this courtroom and the law as the judge gives it?
No, that is absolutely not my vibe.
34. Do you have any strong opinions or firmly held beliefs about former President Donald Trump, or the fact that he is a current candidate for president that would interfere with your ability to be a fair and impartial juror?
Deep down, I hate myself almost as much as my father hated me.
35. Have you read (or listened to audio) of any of the following books or podcasts by Michael Cohen or Mark Pomerantz? If so, please let us know if what you have heard or read affects your ability to be a fair and impartial juror in this case (“Disloyal: A Memoir,” “Revenge,” “Mea Culpa,” “People Vs. Donald Trump”)
As I said, no court has found any credible evidence of me reeding. OK?
36. The defendant in this case has written a number of books. Have you read (or listened to audio) of any one or more of those books? If so, which ones?
How do you listen to a book? Deep state trick questions!
37. Do you have any opinions about the legal limits governing political contributions?
Those are very big words. All in a row.
38. Can you promise to set aside anything you may have heard or read about this case and render your verdict based solely on the evidence presented in this courtroom and the law as given to you by the judge?
Setting aside what I’ve heard, no can do. Setting aside what I’ve read — shouldn’t be a problem.
39. Can you give us your absolute assurance that you will refrain from discussing this case with anyone in any manner and from watching, reading, or listening to any accounts of this case during the pendency of the trial?
Yes, because I plan mostly to discuss it on Truth Social, where I am currently the only user. But growth projections are high, very high.
40. Can you assure us that you will follow the judge’s instructions on the law, including instructions on the definition of reasonable doubt and the presumption of innocence?
Stop it with the big words and the Latin.
41. The United States Constitution provides that a defendant has no burden to introduce any evidence or to testify in a criminal case. If Mr. Trump chooses not to testify, or to introduce any evidence, can you give us your assurance that you will not hold that against him?
Yes. Honestly, the only thing I hold against myself is my inability to turn the pain of rejection as a young man into a kind of feeling for others, plus the trail of wreckage I have left on a small and grand scale throughout my miserable life.
42. Is there any reason, whether it be a bias or something else, that would prevent you from being fair and impartial if you are selected as a juror for this case?
Wha? Where am I? No, I’m awake. I’m totally awake. Sorry. What was the question?
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