RIFFS: Home demolition ideas, inspired by the White House
Today's post is sponsored by Wrecking Ball Rentals R Us
RIFFS is The Ink’s series of satirical posts. Check out others in the series here, here, and here.
Inspired by Donald Trump’s brave demolition of the East Wing to make a giant ballroom, millions of Americans are reported to be considering home demolitions of their own, albeit on a smaller scale. In the following guide, brought to you by our presenting sponsor Wrecking Ball Rentals R Us, we outline some of the options families are considering, for those who want a bit more space and asbestos.
1. The man cave-outhouse bargain
Since the advent of indoor plumbing, pushed for by socialists, by the way, Americans have been brainwashed to believe they need a bathroom at almost any price. Oh, I need to go to the bathroom! Oh, I’ll be right back from the bathroom. Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom. Our ancestors didn’t have special rooms for self-emptying, OK? If you’re a billionaire, sure, have a bathroom. But for many of us, it can be perfectly sensible to demolish one or more existing bathrooms to make room for something more fun, more entertaining, like a man cave. Stop being like millions of Americans who drink beer outside the house and pee inside. Drink beer in your house and pee outside. Cheap prefabricated outhouses are all over Temu. Act now before the tariffs kick in.
2. Bed, yes. Room, no
A lot of people don’t realize that the drywall industry has an incredibly powerful lobby, and they have used their clout to convince people that individual items of furniture need their own room. You have a bed — oh, now you need a bedroom. What’s next? A shoehorn room? A spatula room? Come on. Keep your bed; we’re not psychopaths. But your bed can literally go in any room. Put it behind the sofa in your living room. Or combine bedrooms with other family members if you must have one. But open your mind to the con that Big Drywall has us believing, that you need to be enclosed when you sleep. If the left is so woke, why are they so fussy about sleep?
3. Remove your roof. Just trust us
So many Americans waste space. For many of us, a backyard is a complete waste of space. Sell your backyard to another white family, and if you are craving outdoor space, remove your roof. Now, this may sound crazy to people who have been reared on the cult religion of six-facet rooms. But in many parts of this country, rainy days are literally a fraction of the total year. There is such a thing as umbrellas. Demolish your roof (Wrecking Ball Rentals R Us is offering a discount if you sign up today!) and open your space to the skies and live a little! Plus, people with no roof above are said to get priority access during the Rapture.
4. Kitchens are the new landlines
You know who invented kitchens? People who didn’t know about DoorDash, is who. Why am I cooking when an ever shrinking number of undocumented immigrants can cook for me? More to the point, why do I have an entire room dedicated to the act of cooking? Can I not cook while lying in bed in my living room? Can I not cook al fresco in my home office-cum-baby nursery that is now in the open air? We need to stop doing whatever counter manufacturers want us to do and think for ourselves.
5. Why have a room named after people you don’t even like that much?
Don’t even get us started on the family room. You spend all day complaining to your friend group chats about your family, and then you want a whole room for all of you to spend time together? Give me a break. In fact, give the room a break, a real smashing, with demolition services from Wrecking Ball Rentals R Us, with special discounts available now! (When you sign up, give the promo code EAST WING.) When you demolish your family room, you rid yourself of the obligation to spend time with your family. Daddy, can we work on the model train today? Sorry, son, we don’t have a family room! Works like a charm. With this newfound space, you can install the barbecue of your dreams, but be sure to keep a window open to avoid carbon-monoxide poisoning.
Just because a house is a store of history, traditions, memories, care, and love, doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be demolished to make way for the new. Take a page from Trump’s example and take a wrecking ball to your own home today (Wrecking Ball Rentals R Us is offering some amazing discounts). It’s time to put the balls back in ballroom.
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I'm waiting for Mike Lindell to start hawking bits and pieces of the "genuine" East Wing on Home Shopping Network.
Thought I was reading Borowitz!