RIFFS: Trump vs. geography
The Gulf of America isn't enough. Watch out, Grand Canyon, Mississippi River, and Atlantic Ocean. Not to mention Yo-semite
RIFFS is The Ink’s series of satirical posts. Check out others in the series here, here, and here.
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REMARKS BY PRESIDENT TRUMP ON MUSK, FORMERLY KNOWN AS MARS
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today — tremendous crowd, I must say. At least as a percentage of Mars’ total population. Very, very high percentage.
Today we’re going to talk about names, alright? Very important, names. Names…they tell a story, they really do, folks. Can you imagine if I was a “Charles”?
Names show the world who’s boss. Under my administration, folks, we’ve decided to fix some names that, frankly, were not great. Bad, folks, really bad. Terrible. Let me walk you through some of these changes.
First, the Gulf of Mexico, which I recently announced in the second of my four inaugurals. Why does Mexico get its name on our beautiful waters? Our waters, folks. They haven’t done anything for it, believe me. So now it’s the Gulf of America. Simple, powerful, totally ours, OK?
Now, the Grand Canyon. “Grand,” they call it. What is this, a French bakery? We’re renaming it the Tremendous Canyon. It’s big, it’s beautiful, and now it’s tremendous, just like America.
Then there’s Mount Rushmore. Incredible place, but you know what? It was missing something. It really was. So we added my face to it, and also we took away the other faces. We renamed it Mount Moretrump. You see, you have to honor greatness, and we’re doing that in a big way. Huge way.
Now, the Pacific Ocean. “Pacific” — it’s wimpy. It sounds like a pacifist. It smells like the armpit of an activist. That’s not us, folks. Not America. So we’re going to call it the Ocean of War. I want to end all the wars, but you will soon see that I also don’t.
And the Atlantic Ocean — let me tell you, folks, the problem with “Atlantic” is that it’s just too close to “Atlanta.” At-lan-ta. At-lan-tic. You know what they call Atlanta, right? The Black Mecca. Two words I’m not the biggest fan of, folks, not a fan. So we’ve fixed it. It’s now the Patriotic Ocean.
And let’s talk highways, folks. The Overseas Highway in Florida? Really? Overseas means foreign — I looked it up. We don’t need foreign, folks, not here, not in domestic. We’re going to call it the Homeland Highway. Strong, proud, and American, with a nice call back to 9/11 and the disastrous two decades it unleashed.
Let’s talk parks. Yellowstone? Nice, but “yellow” is a little too Asian, folks, a little Oriental, as you’re supposed to say now. Not my best voting demographic. And it’s not…“giving wealth,” as the Gen Z would say. Goldrock National Park — that’s what it’ll be called henceforth.
And we’re also going to take care of Yo-semite. I love the Jews and have great respect for all their secret machinations, I really do, a remarkable cabal of people, but I keep hearing from the anti-Semitic members of my coalition that “Yo-semite” bothers them. We want to keep everyone happy. Everyone very, very happy. So we made it Yo-sexy National Park, in honor of my original pick-up line to Melania, through the mail-order service hotline. The kids love it. Everyone loves it.
Speaking of Melania, Martha’s Vineyard. Who is Martha? Sounds like a liberal. And I don’t drink. This is going to be Melania’s Diet Coke Yard from now on. Eat it, Clintons.
Washington, D.C. — our great capital, folks. But let’s be honest, it needed a little upgrade. It really did. So we’ve turned it into Washington, T.C. I don’t think I have to spell out what the “T” stands for. We’ll keep the “C” there just for rhythmic flow.
And let’s not forget the Statue of Liberty. Liberty is nice, sure. It’s nice. But loyalty…loyalty is what makes this country great. So we’re calling it the Statue of Loyalty. People love it. We will execute those who don’t. Trust me: you won’t even remember “Liberty” once it’s been gone a little while.
Finally, we will rename the Mississippi River as the “Missed-Me-During-Biden-i River.” And we are reversing its flow, making it run south to north, the way it should. For too long, the Global North has been all give, give, give to the Global South. No more anything flowing south.
Look, folks, these changes are about making America the best it can be. The best, OK? Under my leadership, everything gets a little better — a little more tremendous.
Thank you, and God bless the United States of America, which turns out to be named after some Italian guy, so we’re removing a few letters: the United States of Me.
This is why I subscribe to the newsletter! And you’re not too far off, except for the fact that the orange moron is not as creative as you. Lol.
Fuck that motherfucking traitor in his face.
Thanks for making him the joke he is. As Charlie Sykes says, "clowns with flamethrowers still have flamethrowers. But they're also clowns, so laugh at them."