O ne time my husband and I had a big fight about putting groceries in the refrigerator in a certain way. But then, because he could be very funny, he made a remark that made us start laughing hysterically! He has now died, so sadly, but i have never forgotten that time !
Yes! What a great example. Humor is the most important diffuser in conflict. NASA found literally that the most important element in space shuttles to diffuse conflict are astronauts with a sense of humor. So your late husband was on to something 💗
I always told my ex that we did not fight enough. Neither of us were screamers and could argue for a time but he never seemed to understand what I was getting at and I think thought I was attacking him. I was just trying to get to know ourselves in the relationship. I was told by a therapist that she could see I was too "quick" and logical or something for him to participate in growing closer. I guess we were a mismatch and after many years together we parted knowing that deep down. These things happen as we mature and know more about our needs and wants out of life. He always seemed to run away from issues between us.
Best book on fighting fair in relationships which I used for 40 years in my clinical social worker practice is The Intimate Enemy by Bach & Wyden. In fact, my therapist told me about it sometime in the early '80s. Teaches couples how to fight fairly, with tried and true rules (like don't hit below the belt; don't cross complain; and probably stuff on acknowledging the [what I always called] "the kernel of truth" in what your partner is saying, before you just denounce their whole point--or maybe that's one of the parts I contributed.) You're trying to sell her book, of course, but I couldn't resist pitching an excellent source that might also be useful.
I enjoyed the humor in this piece. Thank you for sharing. I will order both books. Continued best wishes. Listening now to Morning Joe. Best of luck to the two of you getting a word in edgewise with Joe who rambles on, on occasion. Mika will step up.
I love the phrase “worthy grapples.” It makes me think about how often we confuse peace with the absence of conflict.
Maybe real peace, and certainly real intimacy, asks something much harder of us: the willingness to stay.
To stay curious when we would rather be right. To remain in relationship when something uncomfortable has been spoken. To tolerate the heat without either running from it or burning the house down.
In my own life and work, I keep coming back to equanimity not as passivity, but as the capacity to stand in the middle of what is difficult without immediately needing to make it disappear.
And I especially love the idea of looking beneath conflict for the “relational longing.” What am I actually reaching for underneath my anger, defensiveness, or insistence? To be heard? To matter? To belong? To know you are still here?
Perhaps some of our most important fights are not evidence that love has failed. They are love refusing to become indifferent.
And that seagull story! What a wonderful ending. Not simply, “Stop doing that,” but somehow, impossibly: “You can do better.”
Thanks for introducing Priya's new book. I wonder if she has a maneuver for resolving a conflict when the husband uses his big voice to overtalk (loudly) my responses to our conflict? Hate it...
UGH! And personal slights are just off my table but never far away from male arsenals in conflicts. The male/female dynamic is so very strong in some relationships and cannot be undone in most cases. Males are often too insecure to stand clear of cheap shots IMO.
I love this and think the work you are both doing in the world is fantastic. Looking forward to reading The Art of Fighting. I’ve already read Winners Take All and found it very thought-provoking. You could share that with her anytime you both feel a need to refine your skills in worthy grappling 😂
And I agree, coining it worthy grapple makes it so much better. On a personal and professional level, The Art of Fighting sounds like exactly what I was looking for. Thank you for being courageous enough to delve into and write about a topic almost all of us have a difficult relationship with. Waiting to dive in! :)
To create you must wrestle seriously with ideas. It is always a conflict of ideas. So, all of art, music, literature, science, engineering. etc. involves adjudicating a conflict of ideas. If you are unable to struggle your love cannot grow. It certainly seems ironic, but it is just the way humans are put together.
I am estranged from my mother and I have always believed that the number one reason for that happening was her complete inability/unwillingness to engage in any kind of conflict. I am still baffled by the fact that she seems to value protecting her ego and identity over having a relationship with her own son! And I'm happy to say that I have not carry forward this terrible trait. I can/will fight like a mofo 😂♥️
The night before we got married, our mothers said they won’t last a year - they don’t agree on anything! We have been married for 531/2 years - guess the art of fighting and proving our mothers wrong worked!
A lovely article and tribute to Priya. I also hate to fight and hate to keep silent. Both are exhausting. I think I need to know when to quit. When it’s over and not through. I usually learn this too late because I don’t recognize right away when some people are arguing in bad faith.
I wish my ex (and late) husband and I had fought civilly more. At least it’s communication.
O ne time my husband and I had a big fight about putting groceries in the refrigerator in a certain way. But then, because he could be very funny, he made a remark that made us start laughing hysterically! He has now died, so sadly, but i have never forgotten that time !
Yes! What a great example. Humor is the most important diffuser in conflict. NASA found literally that the most important element in space shuttles to diffuse conflict are astronauts with a sense of humor. So your late husband was on to something 💗
I always told my ex that we did not fight enough. Neither of us were screamers and could argue for a time but he never seemed to understand what I was getting at and I think thought I was attacking him. I was just trying to get to know ourselves in the relationship. I was told by a therapist that she could see I was too "quick" and logical or something for him to participate in growing closer. I guess we were a mismatch and after many years together we parted knowing that deep down. These things happen as we mature and know more about our needs and wants out of life. He always seemed to run away from issues between us.
Loved the seagull story!
Best book on fighting fair in relationships which I used for 40 years in my clinical social worker practice is The Intimate Enemy by Bach & Wyden. In fact, my therapist told me about it sometime in the early '80s. Teaches couples how to fight fairly, with tried and true rules (like don't hit below the belt; don't cross complain; and probably stuff on acknowledging the [what I always called] "the kernel of truth" in what your partner is saying, before you just denounce their whole point--or maybe that's one of the parts I contributed.) You're trying to sell her book, of course, but I couldn't resist pitching an excellent source that might also be useful.
Thank you! We need MORE resources not less. Thank you for sharing!
I enjoyed the humor in this piece. Thank you for sharing. I will order both books. Continued best wishes. Listening now to Morning Joe. Best of luck to the two of you getting a word in edgewise with Joe who rambles on, on occasion. Mika will step up.
Thank you!
I love the phrase “worthy grapples.” It makes me think about how often we confuse peace with the absence of conflict.
Maybe real peace, and certainly real intimacy, asks something much harder of us: the willingness to stay.
To stay curious when we would rather be right. To remain in relationship when something uncomfortable has been spoken. To tolerate the heat without either running from it or burning the house down.
In my own life and work, I keep coming back to equanimity not as passivity, but as the capacity to stand in the middle of what is difficult without immediately needing to make it disappear.
And I especially love the idea of looking beneath conflict for the “relational longing.” What am I actually reaching for underneath my anger, defensiveness, or insistence? To be heard? To matter? To belong? To know you are still here?
Perhaps some of our most important fights are not evidence that love has failed. They are love refusing to become indifferent.
And that seagull story! What a wonderful ending. Not simply, “Stop doing that,” but somehow, impossibly: “You can do better.”
May we believe that about one another, too.
This is such a compelling story. Can’t wait to receive the book this week
Thanks for introducing Priya's new book. I wonder if she has a maneuver for resolving a conflict when the husband uses his big voice to overtalk (loudly) my responses to our conflict? Hate it...
UGH! And personal slights are just off my table but never far away from male arsenals in conflicts. The male/female dynamic is so very strong in some relationships and cannot be undone in most cases. Males are often too insecure to stand clear of cheap shots IMO.
I love this and think the work you are both doing in the world is fantastic. Looking forward to reading The Art of Fighting. I’ve already read Winners Take All and found it very thought-provoking. You could share that with her anytime you both feel a need to refine your skills in worthy grappling 😂
lol I agree. WINNERS TAKE ALL is the epitome of a worthy grapple.
And I agree, coining it worthy grapple makes it so much better. On a personal and professional level, The Art of Fighting sounds like exactly what I was looking for. Thank you for being courageous enough to delve into and write about a topic almost all of us have a difficult relationship with. Waiting to dive in! :)
To create you must wrestle seriously with ideas. It is always a conflict of ideas. So, all of art, music, literature, science, engineering. etc. involves adjudicating a conflict of ideas. If you are unable to struggle your love cannot grow. It certainly seems ironic, but it is just the way humans are put together.
Worthy battles from the homefront!
I am estranged from my mother and I have always believed that the number one reason for that happening was her complete inability/unwillingness to engage in any kind of conflict. I am still baffled by the fact that she seems to value protecting her ego and identity over having a relationship with her own son! And I'm happy to say that I have not carry forward this terrible trait. I can/will fight like a mofo 😂♥️
The night before we got married, our mothers said they won’t last a year - they don’t agree on anything! We have been married for 531/2 years - guess the art of fighting and proving our mothers wrong worked!
🤣 wonderful!
This is not only beautiful, but as I am sure you are very clear, each part is a fractal of her book.
🙏🏽💗
Done. Awesome cover.
A lovely article and tribute to Priya. I also hate to fight and hate to keep silent. Both are exhausting. I think I need to know when to quit. When it’s over and not through. I usually learn this too late because I don’t recognize right away when some people are arguing in bad faith.
I love this column so much! And you two are a beautiful couple!