O ne time my husband and I had a big fight about putting groceries in the refrigerator in a certain way. But then, because he could be very funny, he made a remark that made us start laughing hysterically! He has now died, so sadly, but i have never forgotten that time !
Best book on fighting fair in relationships which I used for 40 years in my clinical social worker practice is The Intimate Enemy by Bach & Wyden. In fact, my therapist told me about it sometime in the early '80s. Teaches couples how to fight fairly, with tried and true rules (like don't hit below the belt; don't cross complain; and probably stuff on acknowledging the [what I always called] "the kernel of truth" in what your partner is saying, before you just denounce their whole point--or maybe that's one of the parts I contributed.) You're trying to sell her book, of course, but I couldn't resist pitching an excellent source that might also be useful.
I love this and think the work you are both doing in the world is fantastic. Looking forward to reading The Art of Fighting. I’ve already read Winners Take All and found it very thought-provoking. You could share that with her anytime you both feel a need to refine your skills in worthy grappling 😂
I enjoyed the humor in this piece. Thank you for sharing. I will order both books. Continued best wishes. Listening now to Morning Joe. Best of luck to the two of you getting a word in edgewise with Joe who rambles on, on occasion. Mika will step up.
Hello Anand, thank you for generously promoting Priya’s book in your own cute special way; it is clear to me that you wholly love each other in healthy way and knowing her through your eyes, she would reciprocate and make the time to promote « Man In The mirror » as well. Respect Love Blessings to you both ✨🫡😍✨🙏🏽✨🌺
The night before we got married, our mothers said they won’t last a year - they don’t agree on anything! We have been married for 531/2 years - guess the art of fighting and proving our mothers wrong worked!
I love the phrase “worthy grapples.” It makes me think about how often we confuse peace with the absence of conflict.
Maybe real peace, and certainly real intimacy, asks something much harder of us: the willingness to stay.
To stay curious when we would rather be right. To remain in relationship when something uncomfortable has been spoken. To tolerate the heat without either running from it or burning the house down.
In my own life and work, I keep coming back to equanimity not as passivity, but as the capacity to stand in the middle of what is difficult without immediately needing to make it disappear.
And I especially love the idea of looking beneath conflict for the “relational longing.” What am I actually reaching for underneath my anger, defensiveness, or insistence? To be heard? To matter? To belong? To know you are still here?
Perhaps some of our most important fights are not evidence that love has failed. They are love refusing to become indifferent.
And that seagull story! What a wonderful ending. Not simply, “Stop doing that,” but somehow, impossibly: “You can do better.”
To create you must wrestle seriously with ideas. It is always a conflict of ideas. So, all of art, music, literature, science, engineering. etc. involves adjudicating a conflict of ideas. If you are unable to struggle your love cannot grow. It certainly seems ironic, but it is just the way humans are put together.
lol Anand! Many times. And I loved the alternate title you weren't allowed to share. I wonder if Priya has read any of the political theorist Chantal Mouffe? She writes of the absolute necessity of transparent, ongoing conflict in a healthy democracy (an agonistic democracy in her terms). Of the absolute necessity of putting both conflict and power relations right out there on the table, rather than pretending they don't exist or can be done away with or smoothed over. Same concept holds for relationships and even within an individual person, I would argue
I wish my ex (and late) husband and I had fought civilly more. At least it’s communication.
O ne time my husband and I had a big fight about putting groceries in the refrigerator in a certain way. But then, because he could be very funny, he made a remark that made us start laughing hysterically! He has now died, so sadly, but i have never forgotten that time !
Loved the seagull story!
Best book on fighting fair in relationships which I used for 40 years in my clinical social worker practice is The Intimate Enemy by Bach & Wyden. In fact, my therapist told me about it sometime in the early '80s. Teaches couples how to fight fairly, with tried and true rules (like don't hit below the belt; don't cross complain; and probably stuff on acknowledging the [what I always called] "the kernel of truth" in what your partner is saying, before you just denounce their whole point--or maybe that's one of the parts I contributed.) You're trying to sell her book, of course, but I couldn't resist pitching an excellent source that might also be useful.
I love this and think the work you are both doing in the world is fantastic. Looking forward to reading The Art of Fighting. I’ve already read Winners Take All and found it very thought-provoking. You could share that with her anytime you both feel a need to refine your skills in worthy grappling 😂
Done. Awesome cover.
Worthy battles from the homefront!
This is such a compelling story. Can’t wait to receive the book this week
I enjoyed the humor in this piece. Thank you for sharing. I will order both books. Continued best wishes. Listening now to Morning Joe. Best of luck to the two of you getting a word in edgewise with Joe who rambles on, on occasion. Mika will step up.
Hello Anand, thank you for generously promoting Priya’s book in your own cute special way; it is clear to me that you wholly love each other in healthy way and knowing her through your eyes, she would reciprocate and make the time to promote « Man In The mirror » as well. Respect Love Blessings to you both ✨🫡😍✨🙏🏽✨🌺
The night before we got married, our mothers said they won’t last a year - they don’t agree on anything! We have been married for 531/2 years - guess the art of fighting and proving our mothers wrong worked!
I love the phrase “worthy grapples.” It makes me think about how often we confuse peace with the absence of conflict.
Maybe real peace, and certainly real intimacy, asks something much harder of us: the willingness to stay.
To stay curious when we would rather be right. To remain in relationship when something uncomfortable has been spoken. To tolerate the heat without either running from it or burning the house down.
In my own life and work, I keep coming back to equanimity not as passivity, but as the capacity to stand in the middle of what is difficult without immediately needing to make it disappear.
And I especially love the idea of looking beneath conflict for the “relational longing.” What am I actually reaching for underneath my anger, defensiveness, or insistence? To be heard? To matter? To belong? To know you are still here?
Perhaps some of our most important fights are not evidence that love has failed. They are love refusing to become indifferent.
And that seagull story! What a wonderful ending. Not simply, “Stop doing that,” but somehow, impossibly: “You can do better.”
May we believe that about one another, too.
I am watching your wife on MSNOW right now :-)
To create you must wrestle seriously with ideas. It is always a conflict of ideas. So, all of art, music, literature, science, engineering. etc. involves adjudicating a conflict of ideas. If you are unable to struggle your love cannot grow. It certainly seems ironic, but it is just the way humans are put together.
lol Anand! Many times. And I loved the alternate title you weren't allowed to share. I wonder if Priya has read any of the political theorist Chantal Mouffe? She writes of the absolute necessity of transparent, ongoing conflict in a healthy democracy (an agonistic democracy in her terms). Of the absolute necessity of putting both conflict and power relations right out there on the table, rather than pretending they don't exist or can be done away with or smoothed over. Same concept holds for relationships and even within an individual person, I would argue
I enjoyed a lecture by Priya on gathering at Chautauqua last month. She was riveting. I now plan to read both of her books.
I think priya may grapplr with you over that last graph .,,.