Why I love Woke Banks
The far right is ginning up fear about Woke Banks. But as someone who banks exclusively with Woke Banks, I have to tell you: They are really the best.
For example, every time I get cash at my Woke Bank, the ATM takes a few extra minutes to tell me the true history of the founding father on the bills I have just withdrawn. You will not believe some of these guys!
When I apply for a mortgage at my Woke Bank, they don't ask for any of the typical financial information that other banks seek out. They just give you a quiz about the history of redlining. If you pass, mortgage!
Another thing I love about my Woke Bank is that you can withdraw money from anyone's account. They're not fixated on "private property." You just say someone's name and their Privilege Score on a scale from 1 to 10, and if your Score is lower, you can withdraw from their account!
When you apply for a commercial loan at my Woke Bank, you don't have to tell them what your business is or how it plans to "make money." You just mutter the letters "ESG" while applying, even if you don't know what they stand for, and your loan will be approved.
But the best thing about Woke Banks is they're so busy focusing on diversity that they don't notice if you suddenly take all your money out, and if everyone else does, too. They're super chill like that. Love them.
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