Priya Parker, master facilitator and author of the new Substack GROUP LIFE (and my wife), on why we need less self-help and more group help, why democracy depends on the act of hosting, and more
Look at the controversy about vaccines. Here in America we have landed on the side of everyone being able to decide for themselves whether or not they should get one. NO, NO, NO...it is NOT all about you in isolation. It is about the whole population. And by focusing on what's good for the community, you ARE focusing also on what's good for you. We are all in this together whether we want to be or not.
This is because we don’t know about nor promote the “social contract “ that every citizen in a democracy must ascribe to, whether they know it or not. It is one of our greatest achievements but suffering from neglect. It is the voluntary agreement to sometimes put the strength and vitality of the nation, of the larger community ahead of our individual rights—so we pay taxes, and stop at stop signs, and rely on our fellow citizens to do the same. And acknowledging that promotes both our freedom and our togetherness.
I so appreciate this conversation and this focus on remembering caring for each other as a group, the reminders of "Hosting" and all of the ways we can HOST for and care for each other ...so many potent, beautiful and truly important gems. Anand and Priya together in sharing this conversation: Thank you for your time and care for the community of humans. I deeply appreciate Baratunde Thurston's sharing.
I love these:
"How do people come together despite differences? Why do they come apart despite Love?";
"How can one person take 10 thousand steps? ...How can 10 thousand people take one step?"
"SAY HELLO"!!!!
"Buona Sera".
Ah! This conversation has been beautiful and nourishing. Thank you so much.
We had several open houses when we lived in Baltimore that were very successful. The first we had to jump start our entry into the community and get to know everyone and have them know us. We left invitations in everyone's door and posted it on the announcement board of each apartment and condo building, and people loved it. There were neighbors who met at our open house who had both lived in the neighborhood for 25 years and never met before this. It was exhilerating and also sad that this was something that almost no one else did. We had three of these open houses during our days in that neighborhood, and people came in droves.
Group Life/Community is so so important and underdeveloped in our current world of technological entanglement which only confuses one about identity and affiliation. But rather than bash individual therapies (some of which are admittedly not performed well) why not a BOTH/AND. We need each other, but we need to be as strong as possible to individually navigate the complexity of this new technological era. A strong sense of individually what one can contribute communally is essential to strong community. That is why throughout the history of humanity, effective and relevant rites of initiation have been so essential to community. Just look at what happens when folks decide they can make medical decisions for others without going through the rigorous training and development (and licensing) to take on that responsibility so essential to the health and welfare of community!!!!
Haha as a psychiatrist and therapist, I will be interested to watch this when I get a chance! People use a lot of “therapy-speak” in the lay world which misses the point behind the theoretical underpinnings (ie telling a partner they can’t go out alone because those are “my boundaries”).
Therapy is itself, much of the time, a powerful force for helping someone build healthy connections with others. In therapy lectures during my education we would discuss nurturing “the healthy tendrils” of someone wanting connection with others and not knowing how to make it effectively. Many types of therapy focus on how the relationship built between two humans is the healing aspect and can then be taken out into “the real world” to build better relationships. It’s a tool in the toolkit and there are times I try to work with patients on building their community because it’s not an either/or. Sorry if y’all get here, I haven’t watched yet but had to say something 🙃
Ok, could listen during lunch and “I’m not going to events bc I’m uncomfortable” by itself is just BAD therapy lol. If someone asks me for some kind of medical note to never answer the phone bc they’re anxious but they’re neurologically otherwise capable of learning the skill, then saying sure never do anything bc you’re anxious end of story instead of helping them learn would make me a BAD doctor. I’m sure I have interpreted various therapy constructs/theories through my own personal lens that self-actualization *includes* interpersonal dynamics and being in community, but I think that if something drives you away from fundamental human needs (ie connection) it’s not really healing much at all. It reminds me of certain interpretations of Buddhism as hyper individualistic because you have to detach from everything and go sit under a tree by yourself when that’s not necessarily the spirit of it. You two would be fun to nerd out with at parties 😋
Also, as a fellow biracial Priya (but half British), I laughed heartily at the description of Indian families at dinner. Just 💯
Therapy is learning about yourself. It’s about education. It’s about improving engagement with yourself and others. Therapy and education don’t hurt democracy they support it.
Not to be a devil's advocate, but both my husband and myself have lived our lives behaving exactly as you describe, i.e. saying "hello" to people. But look where our culture is now? I am 58, and he is almost 71. Things have gone downhill in the U.S. my entire life and now we've got Trump. I am trying to stay the course as I don't really know how else to live, but I admit to being tired.
Yes. Lack of reciprocity. One of the main reasons for the estrangement between my brother and myself is because I did all the work for maintaining the connection.
And as a die hard introvert who nevertheless cares about others and the rest of the world, let's not forget that we need different ways of connecting, i.e. a big party is not for everyone.
This is fascinating. For decades, I've found myself pushing back for years against the hero's journey as the sole paradigm in literature and especially in books for children. Priya's arguments for elevating the group over the individual are the real-life parallel. Music to my ears.
Loving this conversation. Professionally I was an event organizer and I so agree, that "gathering" folks is key to combatting many of the ills of our society (loneliness, suicide, alienation). Block parties, rallies, bingo, Neighborhood Night Out etc are all easy ways to connect. The best thing I ever did was start and live in a cohousing community for 18 years in Oakland.
Look at the controversy about vaccines. Here in America we have landed on the side of everyone being able to decide for themselves whether or not they should get one. NO, NO, NO...it is NOT all about you in isolation. It is about the whole population. And by focusing on what's good for the community, you ARE focusing also on what's good for you. We are all in this together whether we want to be or not.
This is because we don’t know about nor promote the “social contract “ that every citizen in a democracy must ascribe to, whether they know it or not. It is one of our greatest achievements but suffering from neglect. It is the voluntary agreement to sometimes put the strength and vitality of the nation, of the larger community ahead of our individual rights—so we pay taxes, and stop at stop signs, and rely on our fellow citizens to do the same. And acknowledging that promotes both our freedom and our togetherness.
I so appreciate this conversation and this focus on remembering caring for each other as a group, the reminders of "Hosting" and all of the ways we can HOST for and care for each other ...so many potent, beautiful and truly important gems. Anand and Priya together in sharing this conversation: Thank you for your time and care for the community of humans. I deeply appreciate Baratunde Thurston's sharing.
I love these:
"How do people come together despite differences? Why do they come apart despite Love?";
"How can one person take 10 thousand steps? ...How can 10 thousand people take one step?"
"SAY HELLO"!!!!
"Buona Sera".
Ah! This conversation has been beautiful and nourishing. Thank you so much.
more affordable ways to connect across difference away from screens/digital and in nature.... would be great.
Connection to each other and larger community is fraying - but also to nature and an understanding of our dependence and interdependence.
We had several open houses when we lived in Baltimore that were very successful. The first we had to jump start our entry into the community and get to know everyone and have them know us. We left invitations in everyone's door and posted it on the announcement board of each apartment and condo building, and people loved it. There were neighbors who met at our open house who had both lived in the neighborhood for 25 years and never met before this. It was exhilerating and also sad that this was something that almost no one else did. We had three of these open houses during our days in that neighborhood, and people came in droves.
Group Life/Community is so so important and underdeveloped in our current world of technological entanglement which only confuses one about identity and affiliation. But rather than bash individual therapies (some of which are admittedly not performed well) why not a BOTH/AND. We need each other, but we need to be as strong as possible to individually navigate the complexity of this new technological era. A strong sense of individually what one can contribute communally is essential to strong community. That is why throughout the history of humanity, effective and relevant rites of initiation have been so essential to community. Just look at what happens when folks decide they can make medical decisions for others without going through the rigorous training and development (and licensing) to take on that responsibility so essential to the health and welfare of community!!!!
Haha as a psychiatrist and therapist, I will be interested to watch this when I get a chance! People use a lot of “therapy-speak” in the lay world which misses the point behind the theoretical underpinnings (ie telling a partner they can’t go out alone because those are “my boundaries”).
Therapy is itself, much of the time, a powerful force for helping someone build healthy connections with others. In therapy lectures during my education we would discuss nurturing “the healthy tendrils” of someone wanting connection with others and not knowing how to make it effectively. Many types of therapy focus on how the relationship built between two humans is the healing aspect and can then be taken out into “the real world” to build better relationships. It’s a tool in the toolkit and there are times I try to work with patients on building their community because it’s not an either/or. Sorry if y’all get here, I haven’t watched yet but had to say something 🙃
Ok, could listen during lunch and “I’m not going to events bc I’m uncomfortable” by itself is just BAD therapy lol. If someone asks me for some kind of medical note to never answer the phone bc they’re anxious but they’re neurologically otherwise capable of learning the skill, then saying sure never do anything bc you’re anxious end of story instead of helping them learn would make me a BAD doctor. I’m sure I have interpreted various therapy constructs/theories through my own personal lens that self-actualization *includes* interpersonal dynamics and being in community, but I think that if something drives you away from fundamental human needs (ie connection) it’s not really healing much at all. It reminds me of certain interpretations of Buddhism as hyper individualistic because you have to detach from everything and go sit under a tree by yourself when that’s not necessarily the spirit of it. You two would be fun to nerd out with at parties 😋
Also, as a fellow biracial Priya (but half British), I laughed heartily at the description of Indian families at dinner. Just 💯
Therapy is learning about yourself. It’s about education. It’s about improving engagement with yourself and others. Therapy and education don’t hurt democracy they support it.
Not to be a devil's advocate, but both my husband and myself have lived our lives behaving exactly as you describe, i.e. saying "hello" to people. But look where our culture is now? I am 58, and he is almost 71. Things have gone downhill in the U.S. my entire life and now we've got Trump. I am trying to stay the course as I don't really know how else to live, but I admit to being tired.
Yes. Lack of reciprocity. One of the main reasons for the estrangement between my brother and myself is because I did all the work for maintaining the connection.
And as a die hard introvert who nevertheless cares about others and the rest of the world, let's not forget that we need different ways of connecting, i.e. a big party is not for everyone.
Yes. I have done just about everything when it comes to self-help and have changed myself in every way I can, but I am living in a sick society.
This is fascinating. For decades, I've found myself pushing back for years against the hero's journey as the sole paradigm in literature and especially in books for children. Priya's arguments for elevating the group over the individual are the real-life parallel. Music to my ears.
The Grilled Cheese Defecit-- next book?!
She is amazing as are you. Marry her!
i know you did!
Loving this conversation. Professionally I was an event organizer and I so agree, that "gathering" folks is key to combatting many of the ills of our society (loneliness, suicide, alienation). Block parties, rallies, bingo, Neighborhood Night Out etc are all easy ways to connect. The best thing I ever did was start and live in a cohousing community for 18 years in Oakland.