RIFFS: Trump called cities military "training grounds." We drew up some drills
A starter list of urban military exercises, from the subway to the bodega
RIFFS is The Ink’s occasional satirical series. It’s not disinformation if it makes you laugh.
President Trump has called on the military to use American cities as “training grounds.” As a patriotic publication loyal to our president or any leader with a penchant for lawsuits, The Ink has some ideas for military exercises in New York.
OPERATION SHIFTY FOOT: Troops stand without touching any poles or overhead straps for at least three stops (express). They must hold a bodega coffee in one hand, and the coffee lid must not match the cup. In the other hand must be a copy of The New York Post. If any soldier bumps into someone, they must give a nod to signal non-hostile intentions, which is obviously more complicated when you’re carrying a rifle.
OPERATION STRAIGHT AHEAD: Soldiers must ride up and down a high-rise elevator for an hour, avoiding eye contact with people while carefully judging their fashion choices.
OPERATION BREATH WORK: Troops must line an entire city block on both sides while a Sanitation truck conducts its work there, holding their breath until it is out of sight.
OPERATION NEUTRALIZE: Soldiers should kill as many rodents as they can, but there are strict orders to capture their leader alive, so that he or she can be tried in The Hague.
OPERATION NO TRIPPING: Soldiers must walk 10 short blocks blindfolded, while making perfect cute little leaps over electric scooters that have been strewn on the sidewalk.
OPERATION DIVERSION: Troops should arrive at the Golden Dinner in Chinatown right at opening time, loudly pretend that Taylor Swift is about to perform two blocks away, successfully dissolve the line, and secure a table.
OPERATION BUSHWICK: Soldiers will carry a mattress full of bedbugs up a five-floor walk-up, maintaining unit cohesion and avoiding any scratching while excitedly discussing the “deal” they got.
OPERATION BLINDERS: Soldiers will invade IKEA on a Saturday afternoon, with strict orders to secure one bowl from the Flugënklaskenwäsherbënder line. The exercise will be deemed successful if soldiers do not succumb to the temptation to buy any other items during the 9-mile walk to the bowl section.
OPERATION UPPADADDY: Troops will commandeer strollers carelessly left outside of schools in Park Slope and take turns pushing each other through the aisles of the food co-op.
OPERATION DISTRACTED: Soldiers should walk back and forth across a busy crosswalk in Midtown during rush hour, while typing the text of the Posse Comitatus Act into their Notes app from memory.
OPERATION NO TICKETS: Soldiers will park a series of armored vehicles along a city block. Then, when alternate side parking day comes, a single lookout will alert the others through a bugle call. Soldiers must get to their vehicles before the traffic cop does.
OPERATION RETREAT: Soldiers must initiate conversations with strangers on the street, asking what they do. At the first mention of someone having a podcast, a strategic withdrawal is ordered.
OPERATION HEARTS AND MINDS: Soldiers must demonstrate their ability to win trust and authority over a population by first memorizing and then trying to explain all the “planned changes” at a given subway station over one weekend.
OPERATION THAI VEGETABLE GYOZA: Soldiers must pour into a Trader Joe’s at rush hour, all attempting to secure the last dumpling bag from the freezer. Whoever gets to it first must eat a frozen gyoza right then and there, while apologizing in Japanese to any runners-up.
OPERATION SLICE: Soldiers must take over a busy bodega kitchen at lunchtime, making chopped cheese sandwiches using only hand karate chops.
OPERATION QUAD LONG SHOT GRANDE IN A VENTI CUP HALF CALF NO SLEEVE, SALTED CARAMEL MOCHA LATTE WITH TWO PUMPS OF VANILLA: An entire brigade must form a line outside of a Starbucks, resisting the temptation to go elsewhere while the first soldier in line orders an incredibly long and rude order.
OPERATION SUPERFUN(D) TIME: Sailors should jump into the Gowanus Canal and tread water for two full hours, taking only occasional sips for hydration.
OPERATION PRIME TIME: Troops should order packages from Amazon to arrive at their temporary quarters, and then go about these other training exercises around town, while also managing to be home at the exact time any packages arrive.
Perfect. If only...!
Thanks for lightening things up, even if just for a few minutes.
😂😂😂