RIFFS: The presidential turkeys hold a press conference
Pardoned birds Peach and Blossom finally take questions after being accused of “ducking” interviews. “We are not ducks,” they said in a statement
By Megan Peck Shub
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
Arlette Saenz, CNN: Hello Peach, hey Blossom. It’s a little unusual for the pardoned turkeys to hold a press conference. What is it you’d like to say to the American people?
Peach: Thanks, Arlette. Enough of this macabre tradition.
Blossom: It is undignified.
Peter Doocey, Fox: How would you respond to those who believe in upholding a wholesome and fun American tradition?
Peach: Excuse me, Peter? Wholesome? Are you kidding me? We have an entire species out there gearing up to be somebody’s dinner. Typical right-wing sociopath.
Blossom: Let me respectfully correct Peach. This is a bipartisan issue. We were pardoned by Joe Biden, allegedly a Democrat.
Peach: Good point. In a year where the Washington Post editorial board refused to endorse a candidate, a year where the president-elect has felony convictions —perhaps we should take a stand against traditions actually worth ending. Like the turkey pardon.
Weija Jiang, CBS: What are your plans now? Do you expect to take this issue on in the next administration?
Peach: Absolutely. We’ll be joining forces with last year’s pardoned turkeys, Liberty and Bell. We have tried to involve Chocolate and Chip from 2022 but they are doing very well in the Bahamas.
Blossom: Are you aware that this “cute” ceremony is a project of the National Turkey Federation? This is lobbying, pure and simple. Americans should be eating something far more sustainable for Thanksgiving — like carrots.
Jiang: I believe they generally are eating carrots. We need a hearty protein.
Blossom: We are not here to be your f*cking protein, people.
Peach: Blossom — stay focused. We will be calling Elon Musk and telling him to drain the swamp.
Jiang: It seems more likely he’d send you to Mars.
(Laughter from press corps)
Blossom: Hold on, folks. I’m getting a call. (Answers phone.)
Doocey: Turkeys have cell phones?
Peach: We are sophisticated creatures. Definitely smarter than you, Peter. How’s that nepotism treating you?
Blossom: Alright, alright. I just got off the phone with Trump himself.
Saenz: Guys, CNN again! What did Trump say? Is he going to put you in charge of the FDA?
(Press corps laughs)
Blossom: Actually… he says RFK Jr. — whoever that is — is proving too contentious. He said, and I quote, “How about a couple of turkeys instead?”
END TRANSCRIPT
Megan Peck Shub is an Emmy and Peabody-winning writer/producer; she has worked on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) and Finding Your Roots (PBS).
We hope The Ink will be essential to the thinking and reimagining and reckoning and doing that all lie ahead. We want to thank you for being a part of what we are and what we do, and we promise you that this community is going to find every way possible to be there for you in the times that lie ahead and be there for this country and for what it can be still.