RIFFS: The presidential turkeys hold a press conference
Pardoned birds Peach and Blossom finally take questions after being accused of “ducking” interviews. “We are not ducks,” they said in a statement
By Megan Peck Shub
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT
Arlette Saenz, CNN: Hello Peach, hey Blossom. It’s a little unusual for the pardoned turkeys to hold a press conference. What is it you’d like to say to the American people?
Peach: Thanks, Arlette. Enough of this macabre tradition.
Blossom: It is undignified.
Peter Doocey, Fox: How would you respond to those who believe in upholding a wholesome and fun American tradition?
Peach: Excuse me, Peter? Wholesome? Are you kidding me? We have an entire species out there gearing up to be somebody’s dinner. Typical right-wing sociopath.
Blossom: Let me respectfully correct Peach. This is a bipartisan issue. We were pardoned by Joe Biden, allegedly a Democrat.
Peach: Good point. In a year where the Washington Post editorial board refused to endorse a candidate, a year where the president-elect has felony convictions —perhaps we should take a stand against traditions actually worth ending. Like the turkey pardon.
Weija Jiang, CBS: What are your plans now? Do you expect to take this issue on in the next administration?
Peach: Absolutely. We’ll be joining forces with last year’s pardoned turkeys, Liberty and Bell. We have tried to involve Chocolate and Chip from 2022 but they are doing very well in the Bahamas.
Blossom: Are you aware that this “cute” ceremony is a project of the National Turkey Federation? This is lobbying, pure and simple. Americans should be eating something far more sustainable for Thanksgiving — like carrots.
Jiang: I believe they generally are eating carrots. We need a hearty protein.
Blossom: We are not here to be your f*cking protein, people.
Peach: Blossom — stay focused. We will be calling Elon Musk and telling him to drain the swamp.
Jiang: It seems more likely he’d send you to Mars.
(Laughter from press corps)
Blossom: Hold on, folks. I’m getting a call. (Answers phone.)
Doocey: Turkeys have cell phones?
Peach: We are sophisticated creatures. Definitely smarter than you, Peter. How’s that nepotism treating you?
Blossom: Alright, alright. I just got off the phone with Trump himself.
Saenz: Guys, CNN again! What did Trump say? Is he going to put you in charge of the FDA?
(Press corps laughs)
Blossom: Actually… he says RFK Jr. — whoever that is — is proving too contentious. He said, and I quote, “How about a couple of turkeys instead?”
END TRANSCRIPT
Megan Peck Shub is an Emmy and Peabody-winning writer/producer; she has worked on Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO) and Finding Your Roots (PBS).
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Fantastic! I'd raise a cranberry fizz to Peach & Blossom any time. I hope they too retire well to some warm clime of their choosing. Have a safe & Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Funny. Need humor always, and now more than ever.