RIFFS: Other numbers Trump might ban
Why stop at 86 and 47?
RIFFS is The Ink’s satirical series. Don’t @ us.
President Trump’s Justice Department has brought a new prosecution of James Comey, the former F.B.I. director, in connection with a social media post by Comey featuring seashells arrayed to say “86 47.” According to federal prosecutors, this was a dangerous threat to the president’s life.
While some believe the prosecution goes too far, criminalizing the mere utterance of numbers, what if it actually doesn’t go far enough? Here are some other numbers President Trump might consider banning.
1 — It represents unity, for starters — a threat to division. It also allows other people to claim to be No. 1, when everyone knows there is only one No. 1. Furthermore, it is in violation of America First’s copyright.
2 — Two sides to every issue. No. There shouldn’t even be two parties. Two reeks of debate instead of loyalty.
3 — The supposed “three branches of government” is reason enough. Do we really need checks and balances?
4 — An ugly reminder of the number of criminal cases Trump has faced.
6 — A lovely January day, forever ruined by people who are sticklers about insurrection.
9 — The worst court circuit of all the circuits. Banned.
12 — The number of jurors in criminal cases. Enough said.
14 — How can you think about 14 without thinking of the Fourteenth Amendment and equality? Just ick.
19 —Women got the vote by this amendment. And now look.
20 — He lost, but really he won — but he lost. A year so bad, they said the number twice.
25 —The most dangerous of all the amendments.
27 — He is still stinging from the news that this is his approval rating on the economy. Banned.
28 — The number of days in a typical menstrual cycle.
46 — Biden. Biden. Emperor of the autopen, fake president, stealer of what Trump won.
50 — A highly annoying reminder of the number of states, several of which did not vote for him.
56 —Melania’s age, the age of an ex, not a wife. He needs to get back on the apps — just needs his password from Kash Patel.
60 — Who can see this number and not think of “60 Minutes,” with its follow-up questions? Ew.
65 — A terrible number, because it implies that people should retire after a while.
76 — Evokes the spirit of ’76 and the whole independence thing, which spread the deeply unfair idea that people deserve rights whether or not they donated to you.
99 —This one stings, as it’s the percentage of people who do not benefit from his policies.
The president could consider additional bans above the first hundred, with special attention being given to 270 (an annoying way to decide whether you won an election), 280 (a character limit upsetting to a man with so much wisdom to share), and 666 (provokes unfair comparisons).
We should now always refer to the Supreme Court Maga Majority as the “Confederate Court”. They are taking us back as far as they can toward the Confederate South’s politics as if the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments never happened. Soon they will go after women’s right to vote and also Same Sex Marriage. Perhaps we should all send the six a picture of the Confederate flag?
You forgot 34, the number of felonies for which he was convicted.