Raising kids in the midst of a revolution

Psychologist and author Jo-Ann Finkelstein on why we need to change the way we raise girls — and how we can do it

We’ve talked a lot this year in this newsletter about the crises facing boys and men in this era of immense change in American society; change that has left many men struggling to understand their place in a world with very different expectations around gender than those they were raised with — a struggle that has had very significant political implications.

But despite the huge changes that have restructured how we think about gender, and the real gains women have made, our culture remains deeply patriarchal and misogynistic (and you need only look at the presidential race for plenty of examples). It’s critically important to improve the way we raise boys to deal with a world addressing but building a better society means building a better society for girls and women — and that means examining just as critically the way we raise girls.

Clinical psychologist and author Jo-Ann Finkelstein has taken on the question of how to raise girls in this moment in her new book, Sexism & Sensibility: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, which is out this week, from which we present an excerpt below. Not so much a parenting manual as a call to arms (and one very sensitive to the notion that raising kids is a deeply political act), the book is structured around a set of actionable steps for parents and caregivers and illustrated with examples from Finkelstein’s own practice. We talked with her about the book, what’s at stake if we don’t change the way we raise girls (and boys), and how making those changes is critical if we want a more equitable, just society for everyone. 

---

A request for those who haven’t yet joined us: The interviews and essays that we share here take research and editing and much more. We work hard, and we are eager to bring on more writers, more voices. But we need your help to keep this going. Join us today to support the kind of independent media you want to exist.

---

Sexism & Sensibility is not really a straightforward parenting or self-help manual, but an explicitly political book. Can you talk a bit about what led you to write this book now, and what you want it to do?

In a system where men control a disproportionately large share of social, economic, political, and religious power, it’s impossible for it not to affect girls’ sense of their own significance as they’re coming of age. I wanted to lay out exactly what happens as they are beginning to imagine their place in the world. The issues I see arise with girls in my practice — anxiety, depression, confusion, diminished ambition, difficulty concentrating, school refusal, and other challenges stemming from biased and demeaning treatment — are also confirmed by research.

The parenting part of it came after I conceived of the book. Initially, I wanted to write directly to teenage girls but quickly realized that few teenagers are reading cultural criticism. The people who could most easily intervene then were their parents, who themselves would become more attuned to the pervasiveness of gender bias and be motivated to both make changes in their homes and address with their daughters the unsavory experiences they’ll face outside the home. 

As a psychologist averse to most things prescriptive, and more interested in compelling narratives, if I was going to integrate advice (as is called for in parenting books), I wanted it to be something that parents could easily adapt to their own styles, wasn’t preachy, and wouldn’t make parents feel like they'd fallen short. Mothers are already bombarded with too many messages suggesting that they aren't doing enough or aren't doing it right. I’m hearing from early readers that the advice is enormously helpful because it’s steeped in a thorough understanding of the challenges girls face. A wonderful side effect has been hearing that readers are finding it healing and enlightening for themselves, beyond how they plan to use it to address sexism with their daughters.