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The Davos conference is incredibly important, because it’s rare to get all of the most problematic people on earth in one place at one time. This year, of course, is different. It’s Zoom Davos. But do not fear: the masters of the universe, our great plutes, will not be muted. They will change the world virtually, one insipid panel discussion at a time.

The Ink exists to offer you the information you need to live your life, and so we reached out to a kirsch-soaked Davos veteran to explain the proceedings to us. If we’re going to be ruled by these plutes, we may as well know something about them.

Because of this person’s quite prestigious job and the risks of alienating the billionaire class, my interviewee requested anonymity. But rest assured: this is a real Davos veteran answering my questions, and they promised wrong answers only.

Davos, explained, finally

ANAND: You’ve been to Davos before, you have covered it with insight and seriousness, but now you’re here, with the protection of anonymity, to tell us the truth about Davos in the form of wrong answers only. 

So, for starters, what is Davos, and is there any connection between the conference and the character on “Game of Thrones”?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: DAVOS is a high-budget reality-TV show where a group of billionaires are stranded on an alpine mountaintop and forced to subsist on nothing but onions for five days. It is named after the “Onion Knight” in Game of Thrones. Losers are contractually obliged to appear on the spinoff show, KLOSTERS, which is only available on Quibi.

ANAND: What is a panel, and what evidence do you have that it is not how you change the world?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: A panel is the only way off the mountain. The trick is to sit on it with the curved side down, and steer it with your heels while trying at all costs to avoid Maria Bartiromo when she steps out in front of you.

ANAND: How many people are lifted out of poverty by the Davos conference each year, adjusting, of course, for inflation?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: The best way to lift people out of poverty is via hot-air balloon. And the best way to generate hot air is to ask four billionaires to talk to each other about lifting people out of poverty. It’s the circle of life!

ANAND: When I look at Davos from afar, I surmise that people are either having a lot of sex at this conference or virtually no sex at all. Which is it?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: The answer depends entirely on whether you were invited to Oleg Deripaska’s chalet party.

ANAND: What does the term Blockchain Justice mean to you, and what will it mean for racial justice going forward?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: The Graubünden police do an excellent job of keeping protestors behind barricades every year. Maybe they should start selling their advisory services to the Ferguson Police Department.

ANAND: If I’m not wrong, we’re currently in what Davos regulars refer to as the 18th Great Reset Transformation Crossroads Upheaval Stasis. What will this mean for my stonks?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: A rising tide lifts all megayachts.

ANAND: For someone interested in attending Davos to make a difference in order to help them make a killing, what is the best way to go about it?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: I would refer you to the man operating the sniper station on the roof of the Belvedere Hotel.

ANAND: Who is Klaus Schwab, really?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: Klaus Schwab is the man who records the incantations that Vladimir Putin listens to when he has trouble falling asleep at night.

ANAND: What is the proper number of people to put on your private jet to Davos so that the environmental benefits of sharing outweigh the environment costs of flying a private jet?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: Trick question. There’s no airport in Davos. That’s the great thing about this conference. It’s an equalizer. Everybody needs to get there the same way, via private helicopter.

ANAND: There has been a lot of talk in recent years of win-win solutions. What do you think it would take to get to win-win-win-win solutions, effectively doubling the wins?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: A second conference, in Singapore, in May.

ANAND: We hear a lot about ESG. What does it actually stand for?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: Edibles, skiing, gluttony.

ANAND: Would you say the #MeToo movement has forever changed public-private partnerships. If so, how?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: They’ve mostly moved to France.

ANAND: In what ways does the Davos conference actually make people’s lives worse, and what can be done to make sure those people stay quiet?

KIRSCH-SOAKED DAVOS VETERAN: Davos isn’t a win-win or even a win-win-win-win. It’s a win-win-win-win-win-win-win-win. No one can be alive today and doubt that. Or at least they can’t stay alive for long, in the presence of a sufficient quantity of Novichok.

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